


i ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

by antikytheras



Series: i made poor life choices and now i have to write genyatta everyday [2]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Actually that's a lie, Crack, Gen, Humor, Please Don't Take This Seriously, also if you're new to my fics, no knives were harmed in the making of this, or at least they did before someone broke them, two out of three of the knives really do exist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-03-11 23:04:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13534425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antikytheras/pseuds/antikytheras
Summary: Genji somehow breaks a knife while cutting chives.





	i ain't the sharpest tool in the shed

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the scene i found in my own kitchen.
> 
> rip black knife you will be missed.

‘Genji,’ Hanzo begins, ‘you have a fucking problem.’

Zenyatta, who had been floating past the open kitchen area musing on the preconceived notions behind the commonly held belief about the pointlessness in thinking about the meaning of life, stops in his tracks and observes the impossible scene unfolding before his very eyes.

Genji is brandishing an abnormally short and stubby dagger(?) while he protests, ‘It’s the knife! I swear to god, it’s this goddamn shitty knife!’

‘Put that down!’ Hanzo hisses, snatching the spectacularly broken knife out of Genji’s flailing hands blade-side first. Zenyatta winces— omnics might be capable of grabbing sharp edges and sustaining little to no injuries as a result of their foolishness, but Hanzo’s firm grip on the smooth, shining edge looks like it should be driving the knife straight through his not-metal skin.

Neither brother flinches when Hanzo yanks the blade out of Genji’s hands.

‘Enough! Clean this up.’

Genji grumbles, but he does pick up a knife shard (Zenyatta eyes the gleaming, pointed tip) and tosses it into a linen towel. ‘What’s there to clean? It’s just one piece.’

Hanzo holds his non-knife wielding hand out and Genji automatically passes him the towel with the broken shard. He carefully bundles the broken knife together with the missing piece and then shoves it into Genji’s chest, where it makes a muffled clang against his metal body.

‘You dispose of this.’

‘What? Why me?’

‘Because _you_ were the one who somehow broke a kitchen knife by cutting chives! _Chives_!’

‘Hey! At least I didn’t ruin an _entire turkey_ at Christmas because I got the broken-off tip of a carving knife stuck inside a magical dimension while we shredded the poor chicken to pieces trying to get it out!’

Hanzo stares blankly at his ranting brother. ‘That was you.’

Genji freezes and stares back. ‘What.’

‘Christmas. When you were fifteen. You showed Father the exact two-inch-long cut the blade was stuck in and even after he stripped half the chicken to the bone we still couldn’t find the rest of the knife.’

Genji stares at the rack of knives hanging over the metal kitchen counter. ‘What about that time with the piñata?’

‘That’s how you broke your _tachi_. You cried for two hours and then you stole mine.’

‘What— No, no way, that was always my sword!’

‘It had my name _carved_ on it.’

‘Yeah, well—’ Genji shrugs, a little helplessly. ‘At least I didn’t break that?’

Hanzo gives a final defeated (broken) groan and storms out, muttering angrily under his breath about _chives_ and _shitty fucking baby siblings_ but he’s careful not to bump into Zenyatta when he walks past. He even inclines his head in greeting, and Zenyatta returns the courtesy with grace.

Genji calls after Hanzo’s retreating body, ‘The fuck’s a chive anyway? This is a leek!’

‘Ah, Genji,’ Zenyatta says delicately, and immediately he’s met with the full attention of his student/boyfriend/soulmate. ‘I’m afraid I must admit that your brother is correct. This is, in fact, a chive.’

Genji stares at the long, green stems on his wooden cutting board and throws his arms up in defeat.

‘Whatever! As long as you can put it in soup I don’t give a _fuck_ what this is!’

Zenyatta perks up. ‘How wonderful! You’ve taken up the challenge of cooking even without working tastebuds! I am so very proud of you, Genji.’

Genji turns to face Zenyatta, his back to the wall of knives, and Zenyatta continues to exude his innocent, peaceful aura even as he performs a little devilish tampering.

‘Master, the internet is a wonderful thing.’

‘Yes, I know, Genji,’ Zenyatta agrees agreeably. ‘Some say that cooking is a science, do they not?’

‘Er. That’s baking.’

If Zenyatta could, he’d be smiling beatifically. ‘Tell me, Genji, is a bread a cake?’

Genji springs backward, horrified, narrowly missing one of the floating knives furiously (yet silently) chopping ingredients to perfectly asymmetrical chunks. (For the flavour, of course. Not because Zenyatta’s aim is _bad_ , no, of course not.)

‘No, oh nonono, we are _not_ having this discussion again—'

Perfect, he’s done. ‘Your soup’s bubbling.’

Genji turns as he speaks. ‘Yeah, it’s supposed to—’

And then he freezes.

There’s a perfectly colour-coded array of the ingredients he needs, sourced directly from the recipe bookmarked under the user account tied to his name, spread neatly over the chopping boards laid out over the kitchen counter.

Genji stares at the ingredients. Then at Zenyatta. Then at the ingredients. Then at Zenyatta.

Unable to hold himself back any longer, Zenyatta laughs.

‘The internet is indeed a wonderful thing. Also, perhaps you should clear your browsing history.’

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/_antikytheras)


End file.
